Episode 33: Healing in Marriage (Part 2) - Forgiveness and The Healing Process
Part 2 in our series on “Healing in Marriage” shines a light on healing, but getting to the good stuff requires addressing some things we’d often rather ignore. Bob and Jake share thoughtfully how areas of immaturity, woundedness from our childhood and character weaknesses inevitably come to the surface in marriage. How we handle these moments for ourselves and with our spouse is crucial. Discover how to find healing as you learn to love your spouse (and yourself!) in your imperfections.
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Show Notes
Guiding Quote
“For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin. Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.” - Hebrews 4:15-16
Key Points
Most conflicts in marriage are not resolvable; it’s how we relate to one another during conflict that matters most.
In marriage, our woundedness, character weaknesses and areas of immaturity (and those of our spouse) inevitably come to the surface.
Why get married if it’s going to bring up hard things? The point of the sacraments is to make us holy. Marriage is how many of us will get to Heaven.
Healing doesn’t mean all the symptoms of struggle go away. Healing is a process. Jesus was perfectly whole and in communion with the Father and yet still experienced suffering.
Seeking happiness doesn’t always bring holiness but seeking holiness brings true happiness.
Destructive attitudes in marriage: contempt, criticism, defensiveness & withdrawal. These are the symptoms of a lack of trust and healing.
We expand on a powerful process that leads to healing:
Renouncing our fearful judgements
Releasing our pain and anger
Letting go of unhealthy attachments
When we’re able to grieve with our spouse over childhood wounds because safety is offered through compassion, a real intimacy develops.
Differentiation (recognizing that our spouse's experience isn’t our own) can help us to enter into healing with them. This is an incredibly powerful experience.
We have to allow our spouse to become our primary attachment.
Practical Application
Sometimes we need to look at our childhood wounds in a safe context. Don't be afraid to share with a trusted person (ex: a close friend, in spiritual direction or therapy) about an area of your relationship where you feel 'stuck' in a certain habit of reactivity.
Set aside time to honestly identify any soul ties that keep resurfacing. Then, go through the three Rs: repent, renounce and receive.
Invite Jesus into your suffering, asking him to help you accept the things you can't change, and to change the things you can.
Resources
Be Devoted, Dr. Bob Schuchts (book)
Anatomy of a Wound series on our podcast
